I first noticed that I was depressed when I was 14, and tried to take my life by swallowing whatever pills I could get my hands on…turns out they were some sort of contraceptive pill so didn’t really get me far!
Stuff has happened in my life that had made me feel things a little bit deeper, to be a little bit more cautious of new people, and now leads me to be the shyest of all my friends; when I used to be the loudest.
As I got older, and started losing friends, I started isolating myself – thinking that I was the problem. Thus, my anxiety kicked in. I always felt like I was annoying my friends and family or I was too much of a burden. And, with that came self-harm. For people who have never done anything like that to themselves, it’s incredibly difficult to explain. My mind and my thoughts used to run at a million miles per second, but I felt a sort of calm and relief when I hurt myself – it took my mind off my dark thoughts and made me focus on the physical pain, not the mental.
Now, I understand my mind and how it has a chemical imbalance. My doctor gave me some pills and they make my mind feel at ease, sometimes. But depression and anxiety is something that will never go away, no matter how many pills you take, you still have the daily struggle of finding a purpose to get out of bed. You still want to lock yourself in your room a cry for a week or two because you just feel shitty and nothing brings you long lasting happiness. Mental illness is not something you can just fix, like a car or a phone; it’s a work in progress, and it takes your whole life.
People who don’t live with depression can only sympathise so far. Because, yes, everyone has days where they feel really low and upset. But for many people it’s just a few days. I can’t remember the last time I woke up without a burden of anxiety hanging over my shoulders about who I would have to make an effort to converse with that day. I can’t remember the last time I woke up and didn’t have negative thoughts plaguing my mind.
Because that’s what this disorder is…it’s mentally exhausting to keep up in a conversation with more than 2 people because I feel like everything I say is stupid, no matter how much reassurance my extrovert friends give me. It is easier said than done to get over anxiety – the feeling that people are looking at you weird, and judging you to the point that you lose your breath and your vision goes blurry, and you wish from the bottom of your heart that you were in bed tucked under your covers in your safe place where no one can touch you…that feeling will never go away, completely.
But, in order to survive, I now have to take medication everyday to feel like I can function in a city that scares me to death sometimes. And that really sucks.
Although I am stuck in this seeming depression rut, I have some really great friends who take my mind off it sometimes; I have a family who took me in 12 years ago who keep me strong and are my rock. And even when I feel most alone in this world, I have an ultimate best friend who has been through everything with me.
I am so grateful for everything and everyone I have. But depression and anxiety makes me forget how good everything is, it only focuses on the dark. Many people with depression don’t have a support figure that understands, or tries to understand and help them.
I don’t know how many people, if anyone is going to read this (if people I know are reading this, it may come as a little bit of a surprise!) but if you know someone who is living with depression or anxiety, or both – just be there for him or her. Don’t try and force them into doing things that will trigger them even further, just be there to support them, and let them know that you are willing to listen to them, judgement free. A little tip – try not to tell someone with a mental illness to “just snap out of it” or “just be happy”… you wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to “just get better” would you?
Everyone has different coping mechanisms, but I don’t believe that anyone wants to be truly alone.
If you’re still finding it difficult to grasp the concept and depression and anxiety – here’s a quirky little cartoon by Nick Seluk :
The Awkward Yeti Must link: http://tapastic.com/episode/172922 Must Link: http://theawkwardyeti.com/
What in The World Wide Web 
This made me tear up due to the fact that I relate so well with this and understand every last bit of it. This is beautiful. Much respect pal, stay strong ❤
This comment made me smile so much, thank you. You stay strong too x